How can we communicate with our partner in such a way that we understand their needs and hot buttons and avoid arguments forever? Is it even possible to have that perfect, loving relationship that fairy tales have us dreaming about?
Today, I’m going to show you that one of the most powerful ways to communicate with your partner and know their hot buttons so you can have that long-lasting relationship.
Happy Wife, Happy Life?
You’ve probably heard it before: Happy wife, happy life. But exactly how do you achieve that and how do you communicate with your partner?
I’m going to go into something very profound from Tony Robbins. Now you’ll notice that sometimes even on YouTube people give you different types of advice, telling you that you should take your partner on a date night.
You’ve probably heard of that concept before. Like once a month, or once a week, block off some quality time for a date night. Then you’ll do it all: buy your partner flowers, give them coupons or gifts.
A lot of people do them like it’s a routine to show love to your spouse. It’s neither good nor bad but I want to go much deeper than that and not just focus on the surface.
You’re doing these types of things because you read that advice somewhere or saw it on a YouTube video. But to get to the very root of how to communicate with your partner, I’m going to share some deeper wisdom.
Motivational speaker Tony Robbins talks about our six basic human needs. Now, what happens in a relationship is if you can fulfill your partner’s needs at a high level, you have a very good relationship. If you’re still working on this, then you should learn the six basic human needs, starting with the first one, certainty.
Watch this video about powerful ways to communicate with your partner.
The first one is certainty. We need certainty and security in our lives. As a human being, we need to know that we can survive. We need to have enough food on the table, a roof over our heads and a feeling of safety.
We want the comfort of knowing that we can pay for next month’s bills. That security applies to both men and women. The certainty could also mean your partner’s love for you, the certainty that you’re going to be there for them when things get tough.
It’s that piece of mind, that security and certainty that you want to give to your partner. So scheduling romantic Friday night movies or Sunday brunch, those regular activities are part of the certainty in your relationship.
You both already have these activities in your schedule, but the certainty also means that it could be a behavior, an act or attitude.
That’s just one basic human need that you already have in your relationship, but if you only have certainty that’s not good either. It becomes boring when you have the same old routine.
A lot of couples have routines. For example, before they go to work, they say, “I love you. Bye, bye.” And when they get home, it’s, “I’m home! Where’s my dinner?”
They go through this day after day. So certainty is good, but having only certainty is not good which is why you need the second human need.
We need variety in our relationship so you could go on a vacation. Or you could try an adventure that you haven’t experienced before. This adventure could even be in bed, involving lingerie or costumes or even role play – whatever turns the both of you on.
But what you want is excitement and variety to spice up your life and sex life or your relationship. You want uncertainty, romantic surprises, or roses.
As human beings, we need surprises, such as taking your partner somewhere you haven’t been to before. We need variety, both certainty and uncertainty. Otherwise what happens in a relationship is someone cheats because there is only certainty. They look for variety from someone else.
They still love their partner but they aren’t getting their needs met. So that person looks for passion and uncertainty elsewhere because they want to feel important, which leads to the third human need.
Significance, the third basic human need, is your partner’s desire to feel special and valued. They want to be respected and they want to know that what they do matters.
You cannot say that the man in the relationship is bringing in the money and the woman is at home taking care of the kids and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. You need to make it clear that what each person does matters a lot.
For example, the man tells his partner that she has the most important job in the world, raising the kids and taking care of the family. So he makes coffee for her in the morning as a way of showing that he isn’t taking her for granted.
You want your spouse to feel special, instead of assuming the wife is supposed to look after the family because the husband is working. Making your partner feel special can be the little things, like saying some praise to the husband after he comes home after a hard day at work. Compliment him for providing food and shelter for the family.
This is especially important for men. That’s one of the reasons why sometimes men cheat – because the wife didn’t give him enough significance. They don’t feel valued enough.
It’s pretty simple – give a compliment, not even everyday, maybe twice a month to make your partner happy. It’s like maintaining a connection, which is the fourth basic need.
4. Love And Connection
We’re talking about a deep connection here, not just saying, “I love you.” It’s an emotion that you want the other person to feel.
Look at people who grew up in a family where they didn’t get love and attention from their parents. When they grow up, they do stupid things because they’re craving the love they didn’t have in their lives. For example, using suicide or drugs to get more attention and love. That’s a more deeper conversation than what I can elaborate here.
Some couples look for attention and love through their kids or their pets. That’s why in a relationship the couple has a child or a pet. The wife may be more focused on the pet or the child because she’s getting the love and connection guaranteed from them. But from the husband, she’s not so sure. It may be lacking from him.
The relationship seems to be stuck. So what it needs are the other human needs – growth and contribution.
You need to grow and learn as a couple so that each can become a better person, a better husband, a better wife, a better parent. You meet new challenges and solve problems together, build a business together, build a family together.
You need to grow because when you are not growing, you are dying. So as human beings, we need to grow. Look at nature, at any plants, any trees or animals. They are always growing, even a tiny bit, and if they aren’t, they’re dying.
Humans have a need to grow. Think back to when you were happiest, when you felt energized and alive. You were growing and meeting new challenges. Maybe you had just finished a big project, tackling something you’ve never done before, so you were so proud of yourself.
Where does that feeling come from? It’s a deep, human need. And when we grow, we accomplish things, which leads to the final human need.
You want to do something not just for yourself, but for other people. Are you helping others? Are you impacting others in a positive way? As a couple, you want to support each other, support your kids, your relatives, your community.
The Love Formula
Those are the six basic human needs. Now, are you meeting those needs for your partner? You need to be honest about this. Do you make your partner feel special? For most couples, the answer is No.
You need to have a minimum of three of these needs as a couple to have a healthy relationship. Certainty and uncertainty are good, but if you really want to have a wholesome, lasting, successful relationship, you need to meet these six needs.
And here’s what happens when you can meet your partner’s needs at a high level on a consistent basis. Your relationship will be awesome. Just think about it. You give him or her peace of mind.
You do exciting things together to make your partner feel important. You both also have this deep connection and you understand each other and as a result, you’re growing and challenging each other. And you know that what you do means something as you’re helping other people.
Life is pretty freaking good. But here’s what could also happen. If you only meet one of these needs for your partner and you ignore the others, your relationship won’t be good. You’re not happy. The relationship probably won’t even last because as human beings we need to find ways to meet these six needs.
If you cannot get these six needs in a positive way from your partner, you’re going to get it some other way, and sometimes that way can be destructive.
When Needs Become Addictions
Let’s take smoking for example as an analogy. Why do people smoke? We know it can kill you by giving you cancer and you shouldn’t smoke. But why do people do it if it’s not good for you? You’re killing yourself.
It seems to make no sense. But think about it. People smoke because it gives them certainty. Every time, they know it’s going to be the same taste. They know it will take about five minutes to finish. They know how it’s going to make them feel.
It’s the same with drinking. People know exactly what the alcohol will taste like. It gives them certainty and at the same time, it also gives them uncertainty.
Sometimes smokers will try a different brand. Or people will try a different type of alcohol, for a bit of variety in the flavor. They have the certainty of knowing that it will be good, but the uncertainty of the difference.
They don’t allow it anymore, but back then, cigarette ads had a certain image on their packaging, like the macho man that’s smoking. Like the old ads of a cool guy in a bar talking with women while he smokes and looks for that connection.
Like remembering back to good times with your friends in high school when you were drinking beer and toasting each other. This feeling is like the love and connection. Now if you have these four needs, as a human being, if you have these four needs met at a high level, on a consistent basis, you have an addiction.
But a negative one. It’s the same as when people do drugs, or when people become addicted to video games. Any activity that meets your four needs at a high level becomes an addiction.
How All Aspects Of Life Fit Together
My point is, if your relationship with your partner meets your needs at a high level, then you both will be inseparable. So ask yourself, how can you get to this level? Think about all the techniques you could use, such as date night to meet your partner’s needs.
Which needs are you hitting? And also, what are your partner’s priorities? For some, significance is the most important while others like variety. You need to know what your partner prefers the most.
The way you look at life, your perspective on relationships, and how you look at business is very different.
A perfect example to illustrate this is my own life. For the first 10 years of my career,
my primary drive was significance. I wanted to be the big boss because I was a nobody when I immigrated to Canada.
In school, I was the invisible kid who didn’t speak English and didn’t have friends. So I was craving to be somebody that people would talk to and recognize and respect. So in business for the first 10 years, it was about how good I was. But that was coming from a place of evil.
I had the first four, but I was missing the last two human needs, growth and contribution. The most profound thing I learned in life is that you cannot win the game of fulfillment running on a track of achievement. They’re two different tracks.
You need to have two things going on. So as I grew older, I wanted to shift my priorities. I didn’t just want significance and making a lot of money. I didn’t want to just win a bunch of deals. So I shifted priorities completely and now I focus on contribution and growth.
I want to make my business partners more successful, my students and mentees more successful. I focus on the people around me because I don’t have to focus on survival anymore, I already have that.
Instead of focusing on me, I focus on others. The funny thing is, when you focus on other people, on growing and contributing, you actually achieve significance without aiming for it. You get many of the basic human needs without focusing on them.
People respect what I do and who I am because I’ve impacted them in a very profound way. It’s a very different type of significance, right?
Final Thoughts On Powerful Ways To Communicate With Your Partner
To successfully communicate with your partner and know their hot buttons, understand the six basic human needs. Your partner may prioritize them differently than you, but if you meet each other’s needs at a high level, you will be inseparable.
I know we’re talking about happy relationships, but you can’t just talk about relationships in isolation from the other things that happen in your life. Personal relationships affect professional relationships. But for couples, if you can fulfill these needs on a deep level on a consistent basis, you will have a very happy, fruitful relationship, I promise you that.
What human need drives your relationship with your partner? Comment below.